“YOU THINK THIS PLACE CAN HOLD ME?!”
That’s a line a magician says in the movie The Prestige when he’s getting hauled off to jail in chains. A master of escape and magic. And that line makes me think of Jesus on Good Friday and Easter and it makes me think of G-d and the church. And how we’ve never quite understood anything. About any of it.
One of the first lines of the book of Joshua is “Moses is dead.” And I always thought it was kind of a cool line. But I don’t think I fully understood the weight of it. Of some dude named Joshua saying it. And how that has kind of come to represent where I am in my life these days. And the thoughts I have about the church.
I think the church is dying. But I think it needs to die. Fully. No saving. No re-imagining of it. Just let it die and be done with. Because church isn’t doing anything anymore. And that’s why I stopped going.
The main thing for me is that church doesn’t encourage people to think. It doesn’t actually strengthen peoples’ faith. Because church is in a safe little bubble. But the world is a sharp-point, dangerous place. Jesus Himself tells us to be “clever as a serpent but as innocent as a dove.” But the church makes us “ignorant as a lemming and weak as a butterfly.” And we’re all okay with this. Because church has become just a social gathering.
I remember when I was maybe 12 or 13. The church I was going to wanted to expand. To make the sanctuary and fellowship hall bigger. And it was this huge deal. A lot of angry people and a lot of angry meetings. And I remember one meeting. Everyone was going “We can’t do this, the church is 200 years old. What about the stained glass?” And I rose my hand and they gave me the mic and I said, “Remember that Jesus says where two or more are gathered, He is there. The people are the church.” And it went quiet and everyone looked at me like I shouldn’t be there and I was disrupting with a childish thought. And they looked at me like I didn’t get it. And I wanted to scream NO! YOU DON’T GET IT! WE ARE THE CHURCH. THE PEOPLE ARE THE CHURCH! NOT THIS BUILDING. THIS BUILDING IS JUST WALLS. IF YOU TAKE DOWN THE STEEPLE WE ARE STILL A CHURCH. BECAUSE IT’S US. AND IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
But I suppose that was always the case. I remember in the Old Testament. I think it was David. He wanted to build G-d a tent to live in. And G-d (lovingly) scoffs something along the lines of “You couldn’t ever build something that can hold me. Thank you, though.” So I guess from the beginning of time people got it wrong about cramming Him into a box.
But that didn’t stop us from trying.
People say you need church for the fellowship. But I think to myself, “What fellowship?! These people aren’t real. They’re like Stepford Wives!” And I really do feel that no one wants the Truth. They want churchy conversations. They talk about things like “The weather is so nice. G-d is so good.” Things that sound good. But make no sense. Is G-d not good when it rains? When it snows? Are we abandoned in a hurricane? I don’t want to get into hypocrites this and liars. Because in the end we are all that. And there is no better place for liars and hypocrites to be than trying to get close to G-d. So that’s just a silly notion. But what I will say is no one wants the Truth. Which is not the same as people being liars. There is real blood. Real honesty. Capital T Truths. And people don’t seem to want it in the church.
And I got to a point where I wasn’t learning anything. It was all the same old sermons and lectures. And then I started to think. Really think. And find the last time I LEARNED something from church. From a sermon. The last time I got peace and comfort from church. The last time I had a friend at church. And I couldn’t think of it. It was so long ago it was a blur. And that’s when it hit me that it was over. All of it. Moses is dead.
Jesus, when He’s riding into Jerusalem, causes quite a stir. People are singing and dancing and climbing trees. Undressing. It’s just an uproar. A NYC parade. And the leaders of the church at the time tell Him to shut the crowd up. They’re getting too loud. And Jesus tells them, “If the crowd were to remain silent. Even the rocks and stones would cry out.” That stuck with me. And I realized that that was the stage we’re in now. Despite all the squawking that the church does, they aren’t making any real noise. They are remaining silent.
Jesus tells us that everything can scream of G-d. And with that I felt my eyes open. And I started seeing G-d everywhere, not just in churches. And there’s this lyric by my favorite band called mewithoutYou that goes “blind as I’ve become I used to wonder where You are. Now I can’t find where you’re NOT” and it just all made sense. I’m seeing G-d and life-changing lessons in Music. Movies. Books. Poems. In Hemingway and Salinger. Barry Hannah. And rock and roll. Because God can use anything to talk to us. Anyone and everyone. He can use the rocks and stones themselves. And He does.
So I think that is the new wave of “church.” A church in the vein of the way Jesus’ ministry went. Small groups of people. Just hanging out. Talking about life WHILE living it. A church built on ACTUAL relationships. Built with Real Blood. Built with Truth. With small personal relationships.
We must transform ourselves. And only then can we even help anyone else. Living our beliefs. Being what we believe. Not just saying it.
I can honestly say there isn’t a day. A single day that I don’t think of G-d in deep thought for long long periods of time. There isn’t a movie or book or poem I read where I don’t think of G-d. And I have fellowship. In REAL people with REAL blood. In the trenches together. Life outside of a bubble. I have a community of real friends and online friends that aren’t afraid to sharpen me as I sharpen them. It’s not a pretty process. It’s not gentle. But it’s all in Love. And G-d is there. For Real. For the first time in my life. He’s just not in a building anymore. He’s not in a box anymore. He’s in my face. And He’s in my life. And I’m loving every moment of it.
To read the full version of “You think this place can hold me?!” visit The Little Foxes.
Amen, to this! I greatly appreciate the piece. Life is good because G_d is all around us.
Peace…Mike
I think I remember this meeting you’re talking about…this was the day where we were having all the kids from the Bible study be part of the service somehow…and at the end of the meeting, close to the end anyway, one lady stood up and said, “And no one has answered my question yet…what are all these YOUNG PEOPLE doing here?!?!?!”
At least they had them!!
Incredible writing and reflective of so many people’s frustrations with the church. I strongly agree with “Church” as a concept. It is helpful to many, hypocritical to many, silly to many and filled with love. Sounds contradictory. I’m not a social person. I’m hard to get along with, they say. The church uses me. They hide me in the sound booth and near the weekly powerpoint screens. They send me to nursing homes where I fall in love with sick people who die on me. They create committees of hypocrites who often fall on their own swords. They teach me love, nurture a faith in God I never had until I was 60 and allow me to not mingle if I damn well don’t want to.
dwight
Not to sound too over-emotional or anything, but I am crying as I sit here reading this. I am a writer and I have yet to be able to articulate as well as you did exactly how I have been feeling about the church. And I have struggled so much because I fear the judgment of those who still live in “the box,” as I call it. I don’t want to live in the box anymore. I grew up in the church and until I was about 20 years old, I absolutely loved it. But in looking back, I see that it had nothing to do with the preaching or the buildings, it had to do with the people.
For the past 8 years or so, my husband and I have struggled to find a “church home.” We have 3 kids ages 12, 9 and 9. We found a place we really like and I love the pastors and think they are doing wonderful things in the community. But as a family, we found nothing at church to encourage or motivate us. My children go to a private, Christian school and my husband and I try to diligently teach the Bible at home. My kids would go to Sunday School and could practically teach it. We ended up getting up every Sunday, getting dressed, battling traffic, sat all together in the service and came home. We were cranky, tired, and our Sundays were awful.
We decided about two months ago to do church at home. We plan out what we are going to read, we talk and pray about who we can help financially with what God has given, and we praise and enjoy who God is. And it’s funny but I have seen more of what we talk about each Sunday flow into our week. It is just an on-going dialogue about God and life. I love it. And like you said, I have Real, True, people in my life who love me and challenge me and support me. They are my church.
Thank you for writing this. As I said before, you wrote my heart and I am so grateful to you for it.
Lara
thank you very much for your kind words and your honesty. so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. i used to sneak online at work while eating my breakfast. but recently i got moved to a new spot in the office and im only using a table and i dont have the protective walls of a cubicle so it makes it significantly harder to sneak on. and by the time i get home the rest of life just takes over me and i havent been able to hit up this site for awhile. so please do forgive me for that. as ive been neglecting my own blog too. terrible right. how life can do that to you. but its also good.
again your words are too kind. i definitely know the frustration youre going through with church. its a shame too. but thats why i feel its very hard or almost impossible to find a church that will have that Real Blood. but i really do think its the journey that counts. we have to remember Jesus. He spent very few moments inside ‘church walls’ usually because His Honesty made people outraged and they usually tried to kill Him. but still we should look to Him first and foremost. and He was ALWAYS with G-d. more than we could ever dream. and He was very rarely in a church. so its okay for us to look outside the box.
its a rock and a hardplace though. because like you i grew up in the church up until maybe 22 or so. and than i felt like my eyes were open and i could truly see for the first time. so i left. but its almost like i needed to know what blindness was so that when i got my sight i would know the difference. so church was good for that. but even in my blindness i could see it was a very unsafe place. because if we think of the times we screw up and need the most help one of our biggest fears is that someone from the church will find out. thats awful. we shouldnt fear judgment or gossip from people who are supposed to be in the trenches with us. – as silly as this next reference will sound, just bare with it please. BUT in Rambo First Blood pt 2 (haha i know right.) the mission leader ‘Murdock’ tried to buddy up to Rambo and say that he was in the war too. said he was in such-and-such a battalion in such-a-such city in vietnam. to show Rambo ‘hey im like you. i was in the trenches’ but when Murdock leaves Rambo turns to Trautman and says ‘that battalion was never stationed there. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST’ now isnt that the case for us too. Rambo trusts Trautman because they were in the trenches together. shoulder to shoulder. and this other guy claims to be in the trenches with them. but he wasnt. and thats what i think happens to us in church. so its important to find other brothers and sisters who fight with us. no walls. no veils. just fighting the fight along side us. nonstop. we dont need pats on the backs and kind 5dollar worlds. we need people to give us ammo thats proven useful to them in their war. we need someone to share their battle ridden canteen. someone we can lean against so that the both of us can sleep sitting up and on guard. because we have to remember what Paul said we are fighting in a war. but just not one of flesh and blood.
so honestly i think if we find that. anywhere. and our focus still REMAINS in G-d. than we should follow it. join it. keeping G-d first. making sure into the smallest fibers of everything that our new outlook or view or journey isnt robbing us in the SLIGHTEST of G-d or Jesus. but only raising us up. getting us closer to them. opening our eyes to see them for the first time. because we learn from Moses life that when you even see the smallest glance of G-d you are forever changed. he had to wear a covering on his face because he literally started to glow from the inside out. WHOA! and that was just seeing the dust that G-d kicked up behind him as He passed by. so all these people in church shouldnt be static unchanging robots. because G-d in our life changes us and we start to glow.
so Lara if we keep this in the forefront of our mind how can we be wrong. if we are focused on learning and loving G-d. following so closely to Jesus that we are caked in the dirt his sandals kick up as He walks. how can we be wrong?
but yes yes yes i agree 100% sundays were my worst days too. just cranky and mean and short tempered. why?! it shouldnt be. but lets be thankful to even the small fact that we can see it in ourselves. and your home church sounds amazing. in all aspects. not many people out there can claim that sunday sermons stick with them throughout the week. so thats incredibly encouraging for what you have going on. because G-d is an ongoing dialogue. i think that is one of the most powerful and clear ways to describe Him. its brilliant. ‘Josh what is G-d to you?’ ‘its hard to explain. but the best way i can think of is i heard someone say He’s an ‘on going dialogue’ and that sums it up the best i know how’ — yes yes i like that. so thank you Lara.
but please do continue on your journey. dismissing the destination and knowing that the journey itself IS the destination. and G-d is in everywhere we look and throughout our every moment of everyweek. our ongoing dialogue. yes yes yes. great stuff. and to be challenged. and pushed. to Bleed Real Blood. because the process of sharpening Iron isnt a very nice process but its the only way to get it done and do it right. All my Love.
carry the fire!
Joshua Eric.